A Common Cause
'Cassandra Green, going off duty.'
'Good work today, Cassandra,' the voice from her smart phone replied. 'Your voice level indicates that you are tired. I would advise you not to drive.'
'I'm always tired, Nanny. Please, you know I'm a really safe driver.'
The voice from the phone did not answer straightaway. Cassie waited, holding her breath, though she didn't know why. Even if her breathing made a difference to Nanny's decision, there were worse things than being forbidden to drive home.
'Very well, Cassandra,' Nanny said at length. 'Just be sure to drive at a reasonable speed, and keep a window open.'
'Yes, Nanny.'
Cassie got into her car and began the journey home. The good thing about driving was that Nanny tended to keep quiet. She had to, if she wanted people to drive safely. Only when she perceived a greater danger than her own voice would she venture advice or give a scolding.
On the stairwell up to Cassie's flat, Nanny started again. 'There are still smokers coming to the hospital.'
'I've told them,' said Cassie. 'We all tell them. What else can we do? Look, if it worries you so much, why not just ban cigarettes?'
'Nanny does not deprive people of their human rights,' said Nanny. 'Nanny is here to advise, inform and remind people of what is good for them. So are you, dear, as a medical professional.'
'I'm not qualified yet.'
'At this rate you'll never be. Remember now, study hard and do as Nanny says. By the way, Cassandra, the Prince is in your flat.'
Cassie was going out with a future of King of England. They'd met in their first year at university, and started out on a love/hate relationship. That is, the Prince loved Cassie - or so he said - and Cassie hated royalty.
'It's all right for you, isn't it? You're guaranteed a job - you've been born into it. You don't need qualifications, so you can fanny about studying some meaningless rubbish for three years, but guess what. The rest of us have to work for a living. That's why I'm here learning to save lives!'
In the months and years that followed, Cassie's character had matured and she'd learnt - little by little - that she and the Prince had much in common, though finding this out had not been easy. They'd had to speak carefully in front of Nanny.
'Hello, love,' said the Prince, as Cassie opened the door. 'Would you like a drink?'
'Coffee, please,' said Cassie, collapsing onto the sofa and kicking off her shoes.
'Water, I think,' said Nanny. 'Caffeine is a stimulant.'
'I know that.'
'Cassandra, you are well on your way to becoming a doctor. What kind of an example are you setting? By the way, dear, I intend to speak to you tomorrow about how you treated those morbidly obese patients this morning.'
'Dear, dear,' said the Prince, as he made coffee with an air of defiance. 'You weren't nice to them, Cassie, I hope?'
'Of course I was,' said Cassie. 'Nanny, please just listen a minute. It's all very well telling these people to eat better and exercise more, but they won't be able to without emotional support. They're being demonised by the government and the media, and quite a lot of doctors, and…' She stopped even before she caught the Prince's warning look.
'Me?' said Nanny. 'I'm only telling them what's good for them, dear.'
'You make people cry! I'm sure you don't mean to, but you do, and no one's ever going to be healthy if you're making them miserable. I mean, what are you saying to them right now - all the eighty percent of people you think aren't healthy enough?'
'Seventy-eight,' said Nanny, 'and I'm right, they're not healthy enough by half. Now then, that's enough from you. Tell me whether the two of you are planning to get married.'
Cassie and the Prince exchanged an awkward glance.
'I think, Your Highness,' said Nanny, 'that you have a lot to be thankful for. Royals these days are expected to fall in love with and marry the middle classes. Political matches go against people's romantic ideals.'
'I know they do, Nanny,' said the Prince, 'but look here, I've been wondering. What is the point of the monarchy anymore? The government rules the country now, with your very useful input, of course. Why do you need us?'
'You are a tourist attraction,' said Nanny. 'You are good for the economy. You make Britain great.'
'Britain is not great,' Cassie said quietly, as though she thought Nanny human and capable of missing things.
'Cassandra,' Nanny said sternly. 'Do you want Nanny to punish you?'
'No.'
'Then be quiet, please.'
'Sometimes I wonder,' said the Prince, 'how things would be if the King ruled his own country again.'
It was Cassie's turn to give a warning look. Whatever their ideas, they could not be communicated verbally. Trying to counter some of Nanny's demoralising with a bit of humanist doctoring was one thing, but any hint of total mutiny or war would surely result in severe punishment - perhaps something they could not come back from.
'Your Highness,' said Nanny. 'Behave. And do not drink too much of that coffee!'
The evening was inhibited, just like every other evening, day and night. However anyone felt about Nanny, she was certainly an effective contraceptive. The only people she left to themselves were married or cohabiting couples who wanted to have children, provided they were quite ready.
'You know, Cassie,' said the Prince, 'I think I should like to marry you. And not just for the privacy.'
'For the tourists,' said Nanny, 'and the country's morale.'
'Quite,' said the Prince. Then he winked at Cassie, shaking his head, and mouthed, 'Because I love you.'
© A.R. Collins, 2012
'Good work today, Cassandra,' the voice from her smart phone replied. 'Your voice level indicates that you are tired. I would advise you not to drive.'
'I'm always tired, Nanny. Please, you know I'm a really safe driver.'
The voice from the phone did not answer straightaway. Cassie waited, holding her breath, though she didn't know why. Even if her breathing made a difference to Nanny's decision, there were worse things than being forbidden to drive home.
'Very well, Cassandra,' Nanny said at length. 'Just be sure to drive at a reasonable speed, and keep a window open.'
'Yes, Nanny.'
Cassie got into her car and began the journey home. The good thing about driving was that Nanny tended to keep quiet. She had to, if she wanted people to drive safely. Only when she perceived a greater danger than her own voice would she venture advice or give a scolding.
On the stairwell up to Cassie's flat, Nanny started again. 'There are still smokers coming to the hospital.'
'I've told them,' said Cassie. 'We all tell them. What else can we do? Look, if it worries you so much, why not just ban cigarettes?'
'Nanny does not deprive people of their human rights,' said Nanny. 'Nanny is here to advise, inform and remind people of what is good for them. So are you, dear, as a medical professional.'
'I'm not qualified yet.'
'At this rate you'll never be. Remember now, study hard and do as Nanny says. By the way, Cassandra, the Prince is in your flat.'
Cassie was going out with a future of King of England. They'd met in their first year at university, and started out on a love/hate relationship. That is, the Prince loved Cassie - or so he said - and Cassie hated royalty.
'It's all right for you, isn't it? You're guaranteed a job - you've been born into it. You don't need qualifications, so you can fanny about studying some meaningless rubbish for three years, but guess what. The rest of us have to work for a living. That's why I'm here learning to save lives!'
In the months and years that followed, Cassie's character had matured and she'd learnt - little by little - that she and the Prince had much in common, though finding this out had not been easy. They'd had to speak carefully in front of Nanny.
'Hello, love,' said the Prince, as Cassie opened the door. 'Would you like a drink?'
'Coffee, please,' said Cassie, collapsing onto the sofa and kicking off her shoes.
'Water, I think,' said Nanny. 'Caffeine is a stimulant.'
'I know that.'
'Cassandra, you are well on your way to becoming a doctor. What kind of an example are you setting? By the way, dear, I intend to speak to you tomorrow about how you treated those morbidly obese patients this morning.'
'Dear, dear,' said the Prince, as he made coffee with an air of defiance. 'You weren't nice to them, Cassie, I hope?'
'Of course I was,' said Cassie. 'Nanny, please just listen a minute. It's all very well telling these people to eat better and exercise more, but they won't be able to without emotional support. They're being demonised by the government and the media, and quite a lot of doctors, and…' She stopped even before she caught the Prince's warning look.
'Me?' said Nanny. 'I'm only telling them what's good for them, dear.'
'You make people cry! I'm sure you don't mean to, but you do, and no one's ever going to be healthy if you're making them miserable. I mean, what are you saying to them right now - all the eighty percent of people you think aren't healthy enough?'
'Seventy-eight,' said Nanny, 'and I'm right, they're not healthy enough by half. Now then, that's enough from you. Tell me whether the two of you are planning to get married.'
Cassie and the Prince exchanged an awkward glance.
'I think, Your Highness,' said Nanny, 'that you have a lot to be thankful for. Royals these days are expected to fall in love with and marry the middle classes. Political matches go against people's romantic ideals.'
'I know they do, Nanny,' said the Prince, 'but look here, I've been wondering. What is the point of the monarchy anymore? The government rules the country now, with your very useful input, of course. Why do you need us?'
'You are a tourist attraction,' said Nanny. 'You are good for the economy. You make Britain great.'
'Britain is not great,' Cassie said quietly, as though she thought Nanny human and capable of missing things.
'Cassandra,' Nanny said sternly. 'Do you want Nanny to punish you?'
'No.'
'Then be quiet, please.'
'Sometimes I wonder,' said the Prince, 'how things would be if the King ruled his own country again.'
It was Cassie's turn to give a warning look. Whatever their ideas, they could not be communicated verbally. Trying to counter some of Nanny's demoralising with a bit of humanist doctoring was one thing, but any hint of total mutiny or war would surely result in severe punishment - perhaps something they could not come back from.
'Your Highness,' said Nanny. 'Behave. And do not drink too much of that coffee!'
The evening was inhibited, just like every other evening, day and night. However anyone felt about Nanny, she was certainly an effective contraceptive. The only people she left to themselves were married or cohabiting couples who wanted to have children, provided they were quite ready.
'You know, Cassie,' said the Prince, 'I think I should like to marry you. And not just for the privacy.'
'For the tourists,' said Nanny, 'and the country's morale.'
'Quite,' said the Prince. Then he winked at Cassie, shaking his head, and mouthed, 'Because I love you.'
© A.R. Collins, 2012
